


Lover, I Feel Your Sorrow

by one_black_coffee



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, i didn't proof read this at all, this is my first wolfstar fic i'm sorry it's awful, this is so bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:20:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29420739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/one_black_coffee/pseuds/one_black_coffee
Summary: The night had been about as peaceful as any other night after the effects of the full moon had worn off. Sirius had made sure Remus was asleep before allowing himself to drift off, his fingers lightly toying with Remus’ hair. Not long after, Remus woke himself up, sobbing into Sirius’ chest and shaking after a nightmare. Sirius hummed gently, holding Remus as softly as he could, careful to not cause Remus any more pain. This happened at least three more times before Remus had given up and left to stop disturbing his boyfriend’s sleep.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	Lover, I Feel Your Sorrow

Sirius told James to go back to bed.

James nodded silently and pushed back the curtains surrounding his bed, leaving Sirius standing in the pitch black room. He had woken up to a cold bed and the creaking of stairs. James, seemingly, had also woken to the noise. Peter had stuck his head out of his curtains but retreated as soon as he saw Sirius wave off James.

None of them slept soundly the night after a full moon, waking to the smallest disturbances in the night.

Sirius stopped his delaying falter in the middle of the bedroom and silently creeped down to the common room. Over the years they’d all gotten to be masters of sneaking around in the dead of night. Occasionally, Remus forgot himself and wasn’t as quiet as he should be, waking his friends. None of them would ever complain. They would rather wake up to Remus slipping out and be aware of his absence than wake up to him already gone.

The common room was dark when Sirius made it to the bottom step. The fire was unlit, no candles burning anywhere, nor any signs of illuminated wands for discreet lighting. Just darkness and silence. He stepped into the room, searching for any signs of life--- any signs of his love. When he found nothing obvious just by scanning the darkness with his eyes, he took a few more delicate steps, stopping with his hands resting on the back of the sofa.

“Moony? Are you here?” He whispered, leaning towards the corner of the room closest to the fireplace, knowing full well that was a preferred spot for Remus to curl up when no one else was with him.

He got no response.

Having left his wand tucked under his pillow in a sloppy hurry to ensure Remus’ safety, Sirius carefully padded over to the corner in which he expected to find Remus. He bent down and reached a hand out, unable to believe that Remus wasn’t there. But when his hand connected with nothing but the solid stone wall, he couldn't deny that Remus had gone out of his way to hide somewhere none of the Marauders would think to look right away.

With quickly building anxiety, Sirius headed back to the center of the room. He wouldn’t dare light anything, afraid to startle Remus and have him shut out any possible help even more.

“Remus? Please, I want to help you,” He said, looking around the room once more for anything he might have missed. Any tiny points of lights, any darkened figures desperately trying to blend into the walls and floors to avoid being seen. He saw nothing.

But he heard something. A painfully faint whisper. Whatever words were spoken were too quiet for even Sirius to decipher, though he could still follow the noise to the source. At the opposite side of the room from the fireplace, hidden behind a circular table and tucked into a different corner, was Remus.

Sirius was by his side in a moment, wasting no time seating himself on the floor beside Remus. Not even fifteen minutes ago, Sirius had had Remus wrapped in his arms in Sirius’ bed. After Remus had insisted none of his injuries warranted a visit to the hospital wing and had, privately, admitted to Sirius that he just wanted to fall asleep with Sirius by his side, James, Peter, Sirius, and Remus had all made their way to the room. James and Peter had crawled into their respective beds and Remus hadn’t even tried to pretend like he wouldn’t be spending the night with Sirius.

Up until the point where they’d all been woken by Remus slipping out of the bedroom, the night had been about as peaceful as any other night after the effects of the full moon had worn off. Sirius had made sure Remus was asleep before allowing himself to drift off, his fingers lightly toying with Remus’ hair. Not long after, Remus woke himself up, sobbing into Sirius’ chest and shaking after a nightmare. Sirius hummed gently, holding Remus as softly as he could, careful to not cause Remus any more pain. This happened at least three more times before Remus had given up and left to stop disturbing his boyfriend’s sleep.

Remus kept his head down, tucked into his hands to hide the mix of tears and what he could only assume was blood leaking from a particularly nasty slash running the length of his right eyebrow to the corner of his nose. Sirius didn’t need to see him in such a state. It was bad enough the four of them insisted upon helping him after full moons, Remus didn’t want them to see him so weak.

“...Re? Darling?” Sirius, with his legs crossed, inched slightly closer. He wouldn’t move any closer until he got approval from Remus, but he was practically shaking with the effort it took to keep himself from wrapping the crying boy in his arms and holding him until all his pain was Sirius’ and Sirius’ alone.

Remus didn’t answer.

“Moony, please--”

Remus flinched away, pulling in on himself even more. “Don’t. Call me that.” 

Completely taken aback by Remus’ sudden anger and distance, Sirius backed away just slightly. Fear of accidentally pushing past a boundary Remus had set up while Sirius was unaware of what was going on made Sirius tread even more carefully.

“Okay. I won’t,” He said. “Do you want to tell me why?” Remus shook his head. “Do you want to talk at all?” Again, Remus shook his head. So Sirius turned away from his companion to lean back against the wall. He did his best to maintain a casual posture so as to not make Remus any more anxious than necessary, and left a wide space between them. Remus kept his knees pulled firmly up against his chest and Sirius had his legs stretched out in front of himself. 

Distracting himself just enough to keep his sanity, he wondered how many inches longer his legs would need to be to reach the chair. Two? Certainly more. Maybe four. Anything more seemed absurd. Of course, James would be an ass and tell him it’s closer to five, maybe six inches.

Sirius sat, jumping from one topic in his mind to the next to keep himself busy. Remus’ mind buzzed so loudly with whittling thoughts he couldn’t capture any of them long enough to make them into coherent thoughts, instead having them whip around him with bruising speed and feelings so intense connected to each, the fact that he couldn’t understand the words was inconsequential; he could feel the pain they brought just by brushing against them with the tip of his mind.

They sat for what Sirius believed to be at least an hour, though was closer to fifteen minutes. Remus had lost all sense of time before Sirius had even gotten out of bed to follow him downstairs. The silence between them was nothing extremely unusual. It was common for either to go mute for a time before using their voice again to work through whatever issue they were facing. Remus had no real intention of ever speaking again. In his mind, it would be easier to fade from existence if he kept his mouth shut from then on.

It wasn’t until Sirius accidentally knocked his foot into the wall while repositioning himself that the silence was even mildly broken. Sirius stilled completely, gauging Remus’ reaction before moving again. Remus was frozen for a moment, his shoulder caught high up and his hands gripping the sleeves of his nightshirt. The painful silence that filled his mind like a vacuum was split by the single sound of Sirius’ foot. He felt both grounded and completely upheaved from reality from just that.

So he began to sob.

Not loud, earth shaking sobs that would surely alert everyone in the tower, but sobs nonetheless. Sobs that were no longer catching in his throat, blocking the way of any sound. His shoulders shook slightly and his breathing came in ragged gasps between desperate attempts at expelling the inner turmoil he faced from his body through the medium of tears. He grasped at anything he could find, holding on until his fingers ached and turned cold from lack of blood flow. The wall suddenly supported his entire weight.

Sirius sat helplessly by.

He wouldn’t disrespect Remus, nor risk hurting him even more, by reaching out to touch him without being told it was okay first, but Remus seemed in no fit state to respond to anything. He had said he didn’t want to talk and Sirius had taken that to mean silence was better than listening to anyone’s voice. Sirius was lost. The need to smother Remus’ pain before it became engulfing and Sirius lost him to it forever became almost physically painful. His fingers twitched and his heart ached, screaming in his chest as he watched the most beautiful person he’d ever had the pleasure of loving fracture before him while he could do nothing but sit and watch.

Until Remus lost his grip and trailed one shaking hand out in Sirius’ direction. Incapable of hiding his eagerness, Sirius gripped Remus’ hand. He didn’t move any closer but held onto Remus, willing the universe to ease up and allow Remus some peace for the night. He’d suffered enough. More than enough.

Then Remus tugged Sirius’ hand towards himself. He was shaking terribly and his skin felt clammy, too weak to really drag Sirius anywhere, but Sirius complied. There was hardly an inch of space between them, but he did manage to keep himself from completely wrapping himself around Remus. A tug on the hand wasn’t enough to make Sirius feel like anything more wouldn’t send Remus over an unreturnable edge.

Remus’ voice was even weaker than his hands, choked and muffled by tears. “Padfoot, please…” He didn’t remove his hand from his face, still too ashamed to let Sirius see him.

“Please what, love?” He did everything he could to keep the tremor out his voice.

Remus couldn’t find it in him to answer verbally. Instead, he chose to shift his weight from the wall to Sirius. He wanted comfort. He wanted to be safe. He wanted to be held and protected from himself. He wanted everything for which Sirius had always stood. He wanted everything Sirius had always so willingly given him. He wanted Sirius.

And Sirius could never say no to his Remus.

Immediately, he had an arm slung around Remus’ shoulders, rubbing soothing circles into the skin at the back of his neck he was certain would cause Remus no pain while his other hand continued to hold Remus’.

The astounding height difference between the two generally meant Sirius curled into Remus, tucking himself under the taller boy’s chin and allowing Remus to run his fingers through Sirius’ hair. Having Remus curled against Sirius was awkward and bordering on painful--- distantly, Sirius heard a voice in his mind gripe about the aches he’d feel in his back the next day--- as Sirius stretched to accommodate Remus’ height.

They stayed like that, Sirius with his featherlight touches and Remus with sobs that slowly died back down to hiccuping tears, until Sirius began to feel Remus shivering. He’d been shaking for some time but Sirius hadn’t noticed him shivering before.

“Are you cold?” Sirius asked.

With his face pressed against Sirius’ shoulder, Remus replied, “Just a little.”

“Do you want me to make a fire?”

Too tired to think about the fact that with a fire burning, Sirius would be able to see Remus’ face, Remus nodded and accepted to hand Sirius extended to him to help him stand. “I can walk on my own.”

Sirius slung Remus’ arm around his shoulder and wrapped his own arm around Remus’ waist to hold him steady while they walked the short distance across the common room. “I know you can. I want to help you, though.”

With a blanket Sirius placed over his shoulders, Remus settled down on the carpet in front of the fire while Sirius struggled to get it to light without the use of magic.

“Where’s your wand?”

“Left it under my pillow earlier.” Sirius shrugged. When the fire had been properly started and caught on the wood, Sirius sat beside Remus on the carpet.

“Do you want to share?” Remus asked, holding open the blanket enough so that Sirius could crawl under with him if he chose to.

Despite his desire to crawl under the blanket with Remus and continue to hold him until the morning came and they’d be forced to retreat upstairs to avoid nosey assholes, Sirius forced himself to ask,“Is that okay with you?”

“I’d like it if you would.” So Sirius did. They leaned against each other, hands locked together on Sirius’ thigh. Their heads propped against each other allowed Sirius the discrete opportunity to bask in Remus’ scent--- chocolate and ink--- without being too obvious. Less secretly, Remus was taking advantage of the exact same opportunity.

“Do you want to talk about it now?” Sirius asked, eventually.

Remus shifted slightly but didn’t move away. “Talk about what?”

“Well, for starters, why you told me to not call you Moony like I’ve been doing for years? Or maybe just that whole thing in general? Or, hell, what nightmare upset you so much you decided to leave and hide in the common room?” When Remus faltered and grew stiff, Sirius added, “But we don’t have to talk about anything if you don’t want to.”

“Moony just seems so trivial,” Remus started. “I’m a fucking monster and you call me Moony like it isn’t a disgrace to be like I am. I don’t deserve that kindness, Pads.” He kept his hand laced with Sirius’ but pulled away so only their knees and hands were touching.

“That’s bullshit. You aren’t a monster and you deserve all the kindness in the world. We call you Moony because you’re beautiful just like the moon and you protect all of us when the world gets darker than we can handle. You’ve never been and  _ never _ will be a monster to any of us. You’re our Moony.” He squeezed his hand softly. “You’re  _ my _ Moony.”

Remus shrugged again but moved closer to Sirius again, putting his head down on his shoulder and wincing slightly as the feeling of blood cracking on his skin. Sirius, noticing the wince right away, gently tilted Remus’ face until he could see him lit by the fire light.

“You have blood on your face. When did that crack open?”

“A while ago. During the last nightmare, I think. It stopped bleeding soon after you came down here, though,” Remus assured him, hoping to erase the worried expression clinging to Sirius’ features.

Sirius used the sleeve of his shirt to lightly scrub away the dried blood then pressed a kiss to the top of the cut that had broken open. “Do you want to talk about the nightmares?”

“Not much to say. Same as always, really. I just didn’t want to keep waking you up with them so I came down here to stop bothering you. I wanted you to get some actual sleep without worrying about me.”

Sirius smiled at Remus, letting his hand linger on his cheek. “I worry about you less when I know where you are. When I know you’re safe.”

Remus could feel the unsaid words---  _ When I know you’re with me because you’re always safe with me. _ Those words had been mouthed across his skin countless times--- delicate kisses pressed against his ugliest scars on the days when the burning, itching shame that clawed its way under his skin was too much to handle and he wanted so badly to rip off his skin until he was raw and  _ clean _ \--- and Remus couldn’t help when his weak heart wanted so badly to believe them that he started to. He really did feel safe with Sirius. The only issue was that he feared for Sirius’ safety.

“...But what if you aren’t safe with me around?”

“I’m always safe when you’re around, sweetheart. Even when you’re kinda… wolfy… you keep me safe.” He grinned, then leaned his forehead against Remus’ when he didn’t get a matching grin out of Remus. “I trust you just as much as I trust James and Peter. You keep us all safe, even when you aren’t conscious of it.”

“How can you be so sure?”

Sirius lifted a hand to Remus’ cheek, his thumb brushing across Remus’ cheekbone, earning him a tiny, content sigh as Remus melted into the touch, closing his eyes and deflating. “Because I know you. I know how soft and sweet you are. How loyal and loving you are. And I’ve seen you spill tea on yourself because Peter dropped a textbook and scared you.  _ And  _ I’ve seen you when you--”

Remus covered Sirius’ mouth with his hand. “Don’t you  _ dare _ finish that with a joke about sex.”

Sirius reached up to pry the hand off his mouth and grinned even wider, absolutely delighted with the reaction he’d gotten. “You know me so well, dear! But the point still stands: it’s impossible for me to  _ not _ feel safe with you around.”

“...You know I don’t believe you, right?”

Sirius nodded. “I know. But you want to and that’s good enough for me.” It was true. Remus, with all his heart, wanted to believe everything Sirius said. He wanted every perfect, golden word Sirius said to and about Remus to be so undeniably true, not even Remus could find a valid way to refute it. “Would you like to go to bed now?”

“What about the fire?” Remus gestured to the flames that were dying down but not quickly.

Knowing he could more than easily convince Remus to follow him back to bed without effort, Sirius leaned forward, kissed the tip of Remus’ nose and stood up. “Someone will be down soon enough. It’s almost morning.”

“No it isn’t.”

Sirius extended his hand to Remus once again and Remus, once again, took it. “Sure it is. Now, come on. You need sleep and I’ve been deprived of hours of cuddles with my Moony. Which is absolutely deplorable.”

Remus grinned, letting himself be pulled up the stairs and into the bedroom without another thought of the fire in the common room. Sirius folded back the blankets and sheets for Remus to crawl into his bed, followed soon after by Sirius himself. Both on their sides to face each other, their arms lazily slung across each other,--- Remus with his over Sirius’ shoulder to play with his hair and Sirius with his over Remus’ waist to trace the scars adorning the skin right under his sweater in his hips and sides--- and their noses just barely brushing, Remus closed his eyes.

He was far from happy. He could hardly manage to feel a calm sense of  _ okay _ during the week following a full moon, but that moment was the closest he could get to any hopeful feeling. Maybe he’d be okay, maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe Sirius would be okay, maybe he wouldn’t. It didn’t matter at all right then.

“You’re okay, Moons. Get some sleep.” Sirius’ voice was thick with sleep being poorly held at bay, his eyes half lidded as he watched Remus.

“Love you, Pads.”

“Love you, too, mate.”

“Fucker.” Remus cuddled closer to Sirius, burying his face in his hair.

Sirius smiled against Remus’ shoulder.


End file.
